The first time porn
was served at the cafeteria lunch table, my son was eleven years old. Does that
seem young to you? Research
suggests that one in three children ages 11-14 have viewed pornography on a
mobile device. Add to that the very real possibility that a child will stumble across
explicit content on YouTube or in a pop-up during innocent computer usage, and one
thing becomes clear: parents must be proactive in talking about porn with their
kids.
I’m not a fear-monger when it comes to parenting. In fact, I
think fear is a terrible motivator for making parenting decisions. But if
children are being exposed to porn at young ages, the loving thing to do as a
parent is to equip them to know how to respond. The most frequent parenting
question I’m asked is, “When should I talk to my child about sex?” My adamant answer
is, “Much earlier than you might think.” If you’re concerned about your child
being exposed to porn, you’ve got to talk about sex, and you must do so early.
Let me tell you what played out at the sixth grade lunch table that day. When the phone with the images was offered, my son responded, “I don’t look at porn.” The owner of the phone, perplexed, asked, “Then how will you know how to have sex?” My son responded that his parents had told him all about it. Jaws dropped. Not one other sixth grade boy at the table had had a conversation with his parents about sex, or, it would seem, about porn. But they were by no means lacking in instruction.
We may stall on the sex talk, but the world will not. If we
delay introducing the topic because of personal discomfort, shame, or
uncertainty about how to begin, our children will form their first ideas about
human sexuality based on the reports of their peers, the images on their
devices, or the pop-ups that introduce them to porn. They will also assume
their parents are not willing or equipped to handle discussions about sex.
ask the right
question
Too many parents are still asking the wrong question with
regard to children and explicit content. We can no longer ask, “How should I
prepare my child for if they see
porn?” We must ask, “How should I prepare my child for when they see porn?” External
controls are important, but they only shield your child from a handful of
instances when porn can make an appearance. Mobile devices are everywhere, and your
neighbor’s unsecured wi-fi is easy to find.
This means we must begin giving our children internal
controls as early as possible. We must give them a way to flee danger as soon
as it presents itself. Just as parents of my generation taught their kids a
script for when they were offered drugs, we must teach our kids a script for
when they are offered porn. And we must be ready to have frank, fearless
conversations about what they may have already seen, conversations free of any
hint of condemnation that maintain a safe environment for openness and ongoing
dialogue about this and other difficult topics.
Your child may very well be exposed to porn before they are
developmentally able to understand what they are looking at. They need your
help to know how to respond. Give them red flags, a script and a plan.
red flags, a script
and a plan
Though not developmentally ready for a full blown
explanation of the nature and dangers of porn, young children can learn two red
flags to help them avoid contact with it, two red flags that also guard against
predators. Teach your child at a young age that “naked is private”, and that “don’t
tell your mom and dad” means danger. Both of these red flags will help them recognize
when they are being shown something you wouldn’t want them to see.
Train your child how to respond to an offer of porn by
giving them scripted words to use, and a plan of action:
Parent: “If someone shows you a picture
of something and asks you not to tell anyone, what should you do?”
Child: “Tell them ‘no thanks’, and then come tell
you.”
Parent: “If a picture of something strange
comes up on the computer, what should you do?”
Child: “Ex it out, and then come tell you.”
Rehearse this language, just as you would rehearse what
words to use in other situations, like if a stranger offered them a ride home
from school.
a culture of
confession
Children need to know they can come tell a parent without
fear of getting in trouble or setting off high drama, even if (especially if)
they looked at what was offered. When we give them permission to come to us, we
reinforce a culture of confession in our homes. We may not be able to shield
our kids from pornographic images, but we can give them the internal tools they
need to protect them from becoming entangled in secrecy, shame, and a warped
view of sexuality.
Whether they are eight or twenty eight, we want our children
to choose confession over concealment every time. Reward their courage in
coming to you by reacting calmly, affirming that they have done the right
thing, and then helping them process what has happened and what to do moving
forward.
We must communicate clearly to our children that porn is
telling a lie and that we will tell them the truth. As your child gets older,
talk frankly about what porn is, about how it teaches a perverted view of
sexuality, and about how it exploits both the viewer and those who are in the
images. Talk about the consequences of having a wrong view of sex and
sexuality, the dangers of lust, and the sin of objectifying another person made
in the image of God.
start early
If you have preschool aged children, begin gathering resources
now to help you naturally introduce the topic of sex in age-appropriate ways as
opportunities present. (In other words, if you take your kids to the zoo in the
spring, be ready to broach the subject if the animal kingdom introduces it.)
Rather than think, “How long can I put off the sex talk?” ask, “How soon can I
begin to equip my child to filter messages about sex and sexuality in
age-appropriate ways?”
Be the first voice your child hears about sex and sexuality,
and about fleeing porn exposure. Don’t let fear cause you to delay beginning
this conversation. And don’t let fear cause you to have the conversation in a
way that scares your child or casts sexuality in a negative light. Get educated
about what resources are available to help you confidently and calmly discuss
sex as a beautiful gift from God, to be enjoyed within the good boundaries He
has set. Lovingly teach your kids red flags, a script and a plan. And trust
your Heavenly Father that even this parenting hurdle is one He can help you
surmount.
______________________________________
additional resources to check out
note: By listing these resources I am not giving them an unqualified
endorsement. As with all parenting resources, the responsibility lies
with you to read discerningly, take what you can use, and leave the rest. Happy
digging!
- Talking to your Kids about Sex and Puberty – Focus on the Family
- God’s Design for Sex – Stan and Brenna Jones
- Mary Flo Ridley’s blog – I was especially encouraged looking through the posts tagged “Sex Talk”
- Tim Challies’ approach to establishing both internal and external controls to protect your family from porn
- My related post on talking to kids about bad words: The Mother of All Swear Words
This is an absolutely fantastic post. I've been stunned with how few parents are preparing their kids for what they will encounter in the lunchroom, on the school bus, etc. The number of parents that are blindly handing their children smart phones and then sticking their head in the sand and not realizing that they have just handed their child a pandora's box of porn... well, it is shameful. We all need to be talking to our kids about it. About porn, about sex, about dating, about real relationships, about growing up and what that means. All of what that means. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI really find this useful and shared it with my son for use in parenting my grandson. It is really a huge advantage when a dad can make talking about sex very natural and comfortable while still providing factual, possibly life-saving, information. With the sexting craze and the omnipresent availability of sexplicit material I'm afraid that the dangers for kids has only increased and w/o parental dialog the chances of pain through one of God's wonderful gifts only increases exponentially.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this. Definitely going to save this and refer back to it for myself and others.
ReplyDeleteJim Burns has a good series called "Pure Foundations" that is good as well. It starts with a book for age 3.
ReplyDeleteYou may want to edit your post about exiting out of the page with porn as it often causes "pop-ups" with multiple images to appear. Perhaps suggest to immediately turn off the computer or leave the room. Otherwise, great article!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this practical and thoughtful post. I have 3 boys under the age of 2, and although we aren't at the age to talk about these things yet, I have so much fear in my heart about the topic. I know they will someday see porn, and it saddens me, but also gives me determination to tell them the truth and equip them. Even now, I can be teaching my toddler to flee temptation and ask God to give him the strength to resist. Pinned this so I can reference it later!
ReplyDeleteGood word!
ReplyDelete"God's Design for Sex" is a great book series that starts the conversation at age 3.
I love the idea of creating a culture of confession. The only way to do this is by confessing as adults. It is only then that children will learn that the gospel us big enough for the shame and secrets we ALL think will kill us. Thanks for having the courage to write this. I don't think silence is an appropriate or effective response to our cultures view of sex.
ReplyDeleteExcellent article,but one thing I would change. Instead . Of ex out of a web page when porn or apop up comes up. The child should just turn off the monitor, because often times when you X out of a tab, more porn will pop up and it just goes on and on. So more porn is accidentally viewed. Then the child should immediately tell a parent what happened and then an adult can try to get out of it.
ReplyDeleteGreat post! Folks reading this would also enjoy the book "Shepherding a Child's Heart". We need to equip our kids to live IN but not OF a world of sin.
ReplyDeleteIf you suspect that you are on a site which won't just let you x out of an objectionable window, temporarily turn off your wi-fi connection and then start closing the windows. Even if they have scripting to try to pop up new windows they won't be able to connect to anything to get more content to inflict on you. You might also want to clear your cookies so there won't be stored information on your computer which allows pornographers easier access to you in the future.
ReplyDelete