Tuesday, October 2, 2012

a parent of my word

"Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil." Matthew 5:37

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus instructs his disciples to be people of their word. He teaches that our “yes” and “no” should be words of such integrity that they require no oath to back up their reliability. In short, he instructs us to do what we say we will do so that our words carry unquestionable credibility.

This is a foundational concept for Christian parents to understand. We want our children to trust our words. Cultivating that trust begins at an early age and requires intentionality. It also requires great effort.

Most parents recognize the importance of letting their “yes” be “yes”. If we promise a reward for an accomplishment or good behavior, the reward must be given. Following through on that “yes” teaches our child that when we promise good things, we deliver. And giving a reward is a joy, so we are fairly consistent at delivering on our “yeses”.

But it is in the area of letting our “no” be “no” that our credibility usually suffers. Who hasn’t seen the young mom in the grocery store issuing and repeating a series of “no” statements to her young child, to be met with either no acknowledgment or outward defiance? It is critical for parents to understand the subtext of these scenarios: they are battles for parental credibility.
When we issue a “no” command and our child does not obey, she is asking us an important question: “Are you a person of your word?” How we respond to non-compliance will tell her the answer. If we repeat the command or allow the disobedience to go uncorrected, we tell her that our word is not our bond. If we follow through with correction, we tell her that our word can be trusted.

Why don’t we follow through? Usually, because we have casually given a command we don’t care about enforcing or because we don’t want to exert ourselves to administer correction.  A parent whose word is his bond says what he means and means what he says. He only commands what he expects to be done, and he follows through with correction even if it requires effort. He cares more about consistency than comfort. He cares more about integrity than inconvenience.

Consider this thought: We should repeat ourselves as many times as we want our child to actively disobey.  When we tell ourselves “Oh, he just didn’t hear me” or “Oh, she’s too young to understand”, we disrespectfully imply that our children are either deaf or stupid. They are not.  If they are old enough to hear and respond immediately to “Come get a cookie” they are old enough to hear and respond immediately to “Pick up your toys”. The issue is not their hearing or intelligence but their will.

But what about grace? Don’t we model God when we give grace instead of correction? Yes, by giving it like He does: freely, to one who does not expect it at all. A child who ignores a command is telling you she expects to be given grace, and often what we call grace is conflict avoidance on our part.

When we give a command, our unspoken implication should be “I mean it”. When our child ignores it, their implication is “No, you don’t”. Repeating the command reveals our lack of resolve and compromises our child's ability to believe we are a parent of our word.

So be a parent whose word is your bond. Only give commands that you expect to be obeyed. Only give them once. Consistently follow through with affirmation for obedience and correction for disobedience. Your child will flourish under the assurance that your word can be trusted, a credibility you can draw on when the hard questions of adolescence arrive.

Still better, your trustworthy speech and actions will model the character of God. By being a parent of your word, you mirror our heavenly Parent, whose “yes” and “no” are firm, for His glory and our good. 

For more on young children and obedience, listen to week 2 of the parenting class here.


  1. While I was at home on maternity leave after Natalie was born I listened to your entire Parenting series with Jeff and THIS was one of the things that stuck out to me. Love this post. Now if I can just get my volleyball girls to grasp this concept...

  2. Thank you, I really needed to read this today.

  3. I just listened to this part of your biblical parenting class (for the second time). :-) Thanks you. We aren't to this part of parenting just yet, Wyatt turns 3 months tomorrow... I know it will be here before we know it though! :-)


  4. Thank you, it's good to be reminded that we need to be consistent with our precious little ones :)

  5. I definitely agree, but want to know what you suggest in regards to having immediate obedience. So in your example, if you say "Pick up your toys?" and they don't respond right away, what do you do? you don't want to ask them again...as you said, but how do you enforce them to respond when they do not?

  6. That's a good question. :) This is actually a subpoint of some material we cover in the parenting class. We talk about using a "script" to help with obedience. Children love repetition, so we give them a repetitive process that goes like this: Establish eye contact, give the command, get a verbal response.
    "Ryan, look at mom."(he looks)"Please pick up your toys. Okay?" (he responds:)"Okay, Mom." It does take time to train the "script", but it is worth it. Wye contact and verbal response mean you have won the battle before it begins in almost all cases, but training them to give these two things takes some time.
    So, if you give a command with eye contact and verbal acknowledgment and he still doesn't obey? "Ryan, look at mom. You have a choice. You may pick up your toys or you may go to time out. What is your choice?" (Ryan makes his choice. If he chooses time out, he needs to come back and pick up the toys when it's over. Lather, rinse, repeat :)).
    We go into detail about this in the week 2 audio of the parenting class if you'd like more explanation than I can give here...here's the link:http://www.thevillagechurch.net/sermon/shared-expectations-obedience/