Sunday, May 4, 2014

equip your kids to “say no” to porn


The first time porn was served at the cafeteria lunch table, my son was eleven years old. Does that seem young to you? Research suggests that one in three children ages 11-14 have viewed pornography on a mobile device. Add to that the very real possibility that a child will stumble across explicit content on YouTube or in a pop-up during innocent computer usage, and one thing becomes clear: parents must be proactive in talking about porn with their kids.

I’m not a fear-monger when it comes to parenting. In fact, I think fear is a terrible motivator for making parenting decisions. But if children are being exposed to porn at young ages, the loving thing to do as a parent is to equip them to know how to respond. The most frequent parenting question I’m asked is, “When should I talk to my child about sex?” My adamant answer is, “Much earlier than you might think.” If you’re concerned about your child being exposed to porn, you’ve got to talk about sex, and you must do so early.

Let me tell you what played out at the sixth grade lunch table that day. When the phone with the images was offered, my son responded, “I don’t look at porn.” The owner of the phone, perplexed, asked, “Then how will you know how to have sex?” My son responded that his parents had told him all about it. Jaws dropped. Not one other sixth grade boy at the table had had a conversation with his parents about sex, or, it would seem, about porn. But they were by no means lacking in instruction.

We may stall on the sex talk, but the world will not. If we delay introducing the topic because of personal discomfort, shame, or uncertainty about how to begin, our children will form their first ideas about human sexuality based on the reports of their peers, the images on their devices, or the pop-ups that introduce them to porn. They will also assume their parents are not willing or equipped to handle discussions about sex.

ask the right question

Too many parents are still asking the wrong question with regard to children and explicit content. We can no longer ask, “How should I prepare my child for if they see porn?” We must ask, “How should I prepare my child for when they see porn?” External controls are important, but they only shield your child from a handful of instances when porn can make an appearance. Mobile devices are everywhere, and your neighbor’s unsecured wi-fi is easy to find.

This means we must begin giving our children internal controls as early as possible. We must give them a way to flee danger as soon as it presents itself. Just as parents of my generation taught their kids a script for when they were offered drugs, we must teach our kids a script for when they are offered porn. And we must be ready to have frank, fearless conversations about what they may have already seen, conversations free of any hint of condemnation that maintain a safe environment for openness and ongoing dialogue about this and other difficult topics.

Your child may very well be exposed to porn before they are developmentally able to understand what they are looking at. They need your help to know how to respond. Give them red flags, a script and a plan.

red flags, a script and a plan

Though not developmentally ready for a full blown explanation of the nature and dangers of porn, young children can learn two red flags to help them avoid contact with it, two red flags that also guard against predators. Teach your child at a young age that “naked is private”, and that “don’t tell your mom and dad” means danger. Both of these red flags will help them recognize when they are being shown something you wouldn’t want them to see.

Train your child how to respond to an offer of porn by giving them scripted words to use, and a plan of action:

Parent: “If someone shows you a picture of something and asks you not to tell anyone, what should you do?”

Child:     “Tell them ‘no thanks’, and then come tell you.”

Parent: “If a picture of something strange comes up on the computer, what should you do?”

Child:     “Ex it out, and then come tell you.”

Rehearse this language, just as you would rehearse what words to use in other situations, like if a stranger offered them a ride home from school.

a culture of confession

Children need to know they can come tell a parent without fear of getting in trouble or setting off high drama, even if (especially if) they looked at what was offered. When we give them permission to come to us, we reinforce a culture of confession in our homes. We may not be able to shield our kids from pornographic images, but we can give them the internal tools they need to protect them from becoming entangled in secrecy, shame, and a warped view of sexuality.

Whether they are eight or twenty eight, we want our children to choose confession over concealment every time. Reward their courage in coming to you by reacting calmly, affirming that they have done the right thing, and then helping them process what has happened and what to do moving forward.

We must communicate clearly to our children that porn is telling a lie and that we will tell them the truth. As your child gets older, talk frankly about what porn is, about how it teaches a perverted view of sexuality, and about how it exploits both the viewer and those who are in the images. Talk about the consequences of having a wrong view of sex and sexuality, the dangers of lust, and the sin of objectifying another person made in the image of God.

start early

If you have preschool aged children, begin gathering resources now to help you naturally introduce the topic of sex in age-appropriate ways as opportunities present. (In other words, if you take your kids to the zoo in the spring, be ready to broach the subject if the animal kingdom introduces it.) Rather than think, “How long can I put off the sex talk?” ask, “How soon can I begin to equip my child to filter messages about sex and sexuality in age-appropriate ways?”

Be the first voice your child hears about sex and sexuality, and about fleeing porn exposure. Don’t let fear cause you to delay beginning this conversation. And don’t let fear cause you to have the conversation in a way that scares your child or casts sexuality in a negative light. Get educated about what resources are available to help you confidently and calmly discuss sex as a beautiful gift from God, to be enjoyed within the good boundaries He has set. Lovingly teach your kids red flags, a script and a plan. And trust your Heavenly Father that even this parenting hurdle is one He can help you surmount.



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additional resources to check out

note: By listing these resources I am not giving them an unqualified endorsement. As with all parenting resources, the responsibility lies with you to read discerningly, take what you can use, and leave the rest. Happy digging!

11 comments:

  1. This is an absolutely fantastic post. I've been stunned with how few parents are preparing their kids for what they will encounter in the lunchroom, on the school bus, etc. The number of parents that are blindly handing their children smart phones and then sticking their head in the sand and not realizing that they have just handed their child a pandora's box of porn... well, it is shameful. We all need to be talking to our kids about it. About porn, about sex, about dating, about real relationships, about growing up and what that means. All of what that means. Great job!

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  2. I really find this useful and shared it with my son for use in parenting my grandson. It is really a huge advantage when a dad can make talking about sex very natural and comfortable while still providing factual, possibly life-saving, information. With the sexting craze and the omnipresent availability of sexplicit material I'm afraid that the dangers for kids has only increased and w/o parental dialog the chances of pain through one of God's wonderful gifts only increases exponentially.

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  3. Thanks for this. Definitely going to save this and refer back to it for myself and others.

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  4. Jim Burns has a good series called "Pure Foundations" that is good as well. It starts with a book for age 3.

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  5. You may want to edit your post about exiting out of the page with porn as it often causes "pop-ups" with multiple images to appear. Perhaps suggest to immediately turn off the computer or leave the room. Otherwise, great article!

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  6. Thank you for this practical and thoughtful post. I have 3 boys under the age of 2, and although we aren't at the age to talk about these things yet, I have so much fear in my heart about the topic. I know they will someday see porn, and it saddens me, but also gives me determination to tell them the truth and equip them. Even now, I can be teaching my toddler to flee temptation and ask God to give him the strength to resist. Pinned this so I can reference it later!

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  7. Good word!
    "God's Design for Sex" is a great book series that starts the conversation at age 3.

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  8. I love the idea of creating a culture of confession. The only way to do this is by confessing as adults. It is only then that children will learn that the gospel us big enough for the shame and secrets we ALL think will kill us. Thanks for having the courage to write this. I don't think silence is an appropriate or effective response to our cultures view of sex.

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  9. Excellent article,but one thing I would change. Instead . Of ex out of a web page when porn or apop up comes up. The child should just turn off the monitor, because often times when you X out of a tab, more porn will pop up and it just goes on and on. So more porn is accidentally viewed. Then the child should immediately tell a parent what happened and then an adult can try to get out of it.

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  10. Great post! Folks reading this would also enjoy the book "Shepherding a Child's Heart". We need to equip our kids to live IN but not OF a world of sin.

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  11. If you suspect that you are on a site which won't just let you x out of an objectionable window, temporarily turn off your wi-fi connection and then start closing the windows. Even if they have scripting to try to pop up new windows they won't be able to connect to anything to get more content to inflict on you. You might also want to clear your cookies so there won't be stored information on your computer which allows pornographers easier access to you in the future.

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